what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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