I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
