nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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