someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm gonna fight the coyote
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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