you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Everyone says I win the strip club
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
