I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
