I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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