I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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