Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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