I wish i was in the wii world.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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