I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
