Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
