He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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