real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
