I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
