Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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