Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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