From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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