This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
