And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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