Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
