We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
