the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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