tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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