They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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