I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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