At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
