You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
