This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
