I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
