I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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