there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
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At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
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I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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