Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
