your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
