My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
