What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
