I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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