Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
