Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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