watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am spending my child support on dildos
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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