If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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