woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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