I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Oh god it's open bar.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
