I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
