We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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