She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
