in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
