you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
