Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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