Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
