Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
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