this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
