Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
