I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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