Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
