On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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