cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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