So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it's like iHOP with fire
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
