Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
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he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
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Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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