Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
