I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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