Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
