Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
