There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
