I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
