a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
